Surviving divorce: ways men can survive and rebuild - KiiiTV3.com South Texas, Corpus Christi, Coastal Bend

By Howard Seidman, Staff Writer, myOptumHealth

Divorce is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a man. You may be hit with the sudden feeling that you've lost your wife, kids, house, money, self-esteem and respect.

The specter of an unhappy relationship can also lead to physical and emotional problems, including:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Impotence
• Ulcers
• Migraines
• Disillusionment
• Alienation
• Anger
• General dissatisfaction

During and after the divorce process, some men will seek help from friends, clergymen and counselors. Other men and their families may turn to their family doctor for support and guidance.

A family doctor often has a unique knowledge of you, your (ex-) spouse and kids. He or she may be able to help with coping methods for divorce, which can include:

• Promoting healthy ways to deal with stress.
• Advising parents on how to relate better to their kids.
• Making referrals for more help.

Getting past the first year

The first year after a divorce is usually the most stressful. Men will often suffer from low self-esteem, loneliness and isolation. They may talk to a doctor about fatigue and sleep problems.

Health issues that arise in that first year may be the reason separated and divorced adults have high rates of disability and medical problems that hamper social activity. Divorced men are at a higher risk than married men for:

• Suicide
• Admission to psychiatric hospitals
• Physical illness risks
• Being victims of violence
• Lower immune system function

During that first year, seek a therapist or counselor if you are having problems coping. These professionals can help you:

• Learn from your mistakes
• Cope and get past this rough patch
• Build a new foundation for the rest of your life

Call 9-1-1 right away if you are thinking about hurting yourself or others.

Things to remember

You are not married, but you're still a partner. Divorces involving children are often complicated. But the more responsibility you can take in your children's lives, the happier your child's mother will be. When both parents are happy, it makes for being better parents and having a better - although "different" - relationship.

Kids whose fathers are involved in their lives also do better in school and are less likely to become teen parents or turn to drugs, alcohol or crime. Kids with fathers who are involved also tend to manage their emotions better and are less likely to resort to violence.

Create a parenting plan that makes you and your ex happy. Kids need their father as much as they need their mother. If you don't have custody of your children, you'll need to make a special effort to be there for them. If you and your ex-wife can't agree on a plan, try mediation.

Embrace emotional health on your own or with the help of a counselor. Men who have good emotional health are aware of their thoughts, feelings and behaviors. They cope with stress and problems in healthy ways. Achieving emotional health will help you feel good about yourself and pursue healthy relationships.

Become resilient. Resilience can be learned and strengthened. It can help you cope with stress better. Strategies for developing resilience can include:

• Increasing social support
• Keeping a positive view of yourself
• Accepting change
• Keeping things in perspective

Many men expect to recover from the effects of divorce much faster than what it usually takes. Yet, within about two years after a divorce most have adjusted to being single and have new stability in their lives. Feelings of well-being may increase with time as men find more internal control and satisfaction in life.

View the original Surviving divorce: ways men can survive and rebuild article on myOptumHealth.com 

SOURCES:

• American Academy of Family Physicians. Mind/body connection: how your emotions affect your health.

• Bray JH, Campbell TL. The family's influence on health. In: Rakel RE. Rakel: Textbook of Family Medicine. 7th ed. Philadelphia, PA. Saunders Elsevier; 2007.

• Men's Health Network. Divorce or separation.